US Military to release singing band of killer robots against ISIS


A top Pentagon official, who asked to remain anonymous, has admitted that “artist” Jordan Wolfson has been commissioned to mass-produce an army of top-secret robots for use by the U.S. military.

One YouTuber has already leaked confidential video footage of a military prototype as it dances in a so-called David Zwirner “gallery” in New York City:

“I think it’s obvious what we’re doing here,” the official says. “In Iraq, uh, I mean the second time in Iraq, we had drones. We had a pretty good track record using drones with only moderate to significant collateral damage of like, you know, women and children and such. Now we need a new weapon to face a new enemy in the Middle East. Third time’s the charm, as they say. Anyway, we’re sending these ultra-deadly, singing, dancing robots to mercilessly slaughter our enemies.”

The machines use advanced facial recognition software capable of creating the illusion of eye contact, immediately entrancing any jihadist unfortunate enough to happen upon these devastating military monsters.

When asked about the strategy’s chances of success, another anonymous high-ranking official laughed: “How could we fail? ISIS will never see it coming. We’re going to catch them completely off-guard. They can’t mess with so many people and expect to get away with it. Our job as world leader is to let ISIS know that it doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight, Muslim, Jehovah’s Witness, Pagan, or female. We’re America, and we love you at least a little bit no matter who you are, usually. Unless you’re socialist or Liberal. So we’re going to fight for liberty and freedom in the Middle East, even if it means we have to burn their countries to the ground one by one to get rid of the ISIS threat.”

One of the technicians tasked with programming the killer robots told reporters that song and dance choices were being finalized in preparation for a military ground offensive, apparently only weeks away. The top contenders all have one thing in common: they strike fear into the heart of any god-fearing citizen. Potential songs include Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Smack My Bitch Up, Suicide Solution, Dear God, and Je t’aime…moi non plus.

Oddly, these “killer” robots have no other armaments. Top officials are adamant that ISIS will simply throw down their weapons when confronted by the possibility of being surrounded by thousands of robots singing and dancing to songs normally performed by Lady Gaga.

The company responsible for creating the robots, Spectral Motion, has already received several bomb threats, and several technicians involved with the project have reportedly gone missing. President Obama is expected to send the National Guard to Hollywood to protect military interests.

The rise of the machines is upon us, friends. And some people thought that robots would never achieve human-like mobility or dexterity. Is your bunker stocked and ready?

About Author

Jeff is a self-proclaimed pragmatic futurist; that is, he has high hopes for absurd life-altering technologies which sound too good to be true, and probably are. Although he writes on a variety of subjects, his real passion is for technological innovation and the people who make it happen. By day, he enjoys fuzzy bunnies, kittens, puppies, roller coasters and a sardonic written word or two. By night, he's busy running, replaying a random Final Fantasy game, or pretending to be Batman. He currently resides in Upstate NY.

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